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Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I just found out that an estranged family member is dying.

I feel like I am supposed to feel something but I don't. I don't feel sad, angry, upset, nothing. Is that normal?

It isn't as if this person was a fleeting butterfly in my life. She was there for years and years connected to me by blood but with one vile act and several disgusting words, walked away without looking back. And now, when I learn of her fragile health, I can't feel anything.

Should I feel like a monser? Is this something that needs researching or is it something that I should accept? Do I want to feel anything when I think of her and her imminent death? Do I want to feel loss, sadness, regret or am I content to accept that she never changed, never apologized, never missed us?

I am content. In this situation, I am not the monster. The monster resides deep in her soul and it is not up to me to hunt it out.

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