Broken Hearts Club

I come from a very dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional with a capital bold D. Something happened today to make me see that dysfunctionality so clearly but before I tell you what that was, I feel I should give a little intro...

I am 32 years old. I have not seen my father since I was 6 years old. In short, he abandoned me.

I spoke to him once on the phone from the time I was 6 until I was 19 and only then because I happened to answer the phone for his call to my mom to tell her that his mother (my Grammie) had died.

When I was 19 and Princess Ivi was a tiny baby who suffered from severe asthma attacks, I decided it was time to talk to my father to get some health info. I spoke to him once on the phone and he and I each exchanged one letter apiece before he pushed me away with his cruel words. I never did discover any health information.

I went through a genealogy phase in my mid-20s and set out to answer the burning question of "who am I" by researching my father's side of the family. I was pretty successful with the genealogy aspect, tracing the family back from Massachusetts to Quebec to France in the 1400s. However, all the research and names never answered that "who am I" question.

My sister attempted to mend fences with him even though her memories were solid memories of hurt rather than some wispy tendrils like those rolling around in my head. She is 6 years older than me so she was a real "person" when we last saw him. After some months, my sister abandoned those attempts when it became apparent that in the mending of the relationship, the past would have to be rewritten to ease the conscience of our father. Given the fact that my sister was in her early 30s by then, it seemed unfair for her to have to pretend that life didn't happen the way it had.

My brother has not spoken to our father or seen him in 26 years. Neither my brother or father ever took steps to mend their relationship.

Dysfunctional? Oh yes!

Brought to light today by the email I received from ancestry.com advising me that there was a social security death index match to someone in my tree. Imagine my surprise when I opened the email to see that the match was to my father. After some research, I was able to discover that my father died on April 13, 2009, forty-eight days before his 70th birthday. No one, not my step-mother, my half-sister or my half-brothers, bothered to tell me or my sister or brother about his death.

It is hard to think that he is dead. In my head, I always knew that he wasn't going to wake up one day and realize he missed his kids and commit to doing whatever it took to make a relationship with them. But it didn't stop the little girl's heart that lives in me, that small and fragile heart, from hoping that one day he would realize that he wanted me and loved me. Now that little heart is broken and sad.

Indifference

I just found out that an estranged family member is dying.

I feel like I am supposed to feel something but I don't. I don't feel sad, angry, upset, nothing. Is that normal?

It isn't as if this person was a fleeting butterfly in my life. She was there for years and years connected to me by blood but with one vile act and several disgusting words, walked away without looking back. And now, when I learn of her fragile health, I can't feel anything.

Should I feel like a monser? Is this something that needs researching or is it something that I should accept? Do I want to feel anything when I think of her and her imminent death? Do I want to feel loss, sadness, regret or am I content to accept that she never changed, never apologized, never missed us?

I am content. In this situation, I am not the monster. The monster resides deep in her soul and it is not up to me to hunt it out.

Back to Business....

My Christmas was wonderful. I hope everyone else’s was good as well.

On Christmas Eve, I got home from work and my brother Dan and his three kids were there. We opened presents with them and had chili for dinner. Yum.

My niece Emily picked out a very nice knitting book for me and did a great job wrapping it. The label said “To: Aunt Lennie From: The Family”. She cracks me up.

After they went home, we talked to my sister (in Massachusetts) while they opened their Christmas gifts. It was great to hear my nephew “singing” in the background. He really enjoyed his gifts including the Florida Gators t-shirt I found for him. My sister loved the lemur and the movie. And of course, Rob loved his pistachios and his book. My mom bought my sister a Go Phone so we can all talk to each other for free which is always a good thing.

Then, Princess Ivi and I watched movies (although I can’t remember which ones) while Mom finished wrapping her presents.

We woke up early Christmas morning and opened our stockings (mine was filled with nail polish, cotton balls, remover, nail files, etc.) and then said “what the heck” and opened our gifts. Princess Ivi gave me new pjs, the winter edition of Interweave Knits and Creative Knitting, and a new hairbrush. Mom gave me a pen set and handmade stitch holders (which were beautiful). I also got a new tote bag filled with yarn, lotion, a spa set, and body wash from Pat and Barry. The bag is now my new “bring to work bag to collect all the junk I accumulate throughout the day”.

Princess Ivi liked her keyboard and her Ipod but she really loved The Nightmare Before Christmas. We watched it Christmas afternoon. We have decided that when we find the dog to add to our family, he (or she) will be named Zero in honor of Jack’s trusty pooch.

Later that day, Dan came down to deliver the lawnmower and his plants (weeds, dying plants, etc.) and had dinner with us. Mom made a pork roast with roasted potatoes and broccoli. It was good.

I took advantage of the beautiful weather and did lots of laundry (all weekend actually because it was perfect line drying weather).

We also went to a new bookstore in Palatka and I bought Persuasion, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility and Lady Susan all by Jane Austen and The Seven Wonders of Sassafrass Springs. I also bought my nephew some books and Princess Ivi got two books.

I splurged on myself and Princess Ivi this weekend as well. I bought myself two shirts for work and a pair of pajamas. I bought Princess Ivi a new purse. I also purchased Speed, The Replacements, The Da Vinci Code, Stardust, and Stand By Me to add to our DVD collection.

Then we watched movies and I knit.

I am working on the Cranberry Biscotti socks. They are coming along. I have turned the heel on the first sock and will start on the gusset tonight.

I also have a scarf in the works for Pat with the wonderful yarn she bought for me. It started out as a basket weave scarf but I am bored with the pattern already so I thought I would do stockinette stitch and do the same length of basket weave on the other end.

Oh, I almost forgot. I found a wonderful magazine. It is called Life: Beautiful. It is a faith based magazine with no advertisements. There are great articles and wonderful quotes from the Bible. I love it and I am going to subscribe to it. It is $18.95 for 4 issues but with no advertisements and such wonderful articles, I think it is definitely worth it. I think it will add to my walk with Christ.

I just realized today though that I did not take any pictures of Christmas. I think I am not inspired to take pictures because my camera is broken. I can’t see the pictures in the little digital screen after I take them. It really stinks. Sears has a sale on a great Canon camera. It is $179 and I am trying to decide if I should get it or not. I am worried that if I buy it now, I will need the money for something else but I am worried that if I don’t get it now, I won’t find such a good deal. Hmmm.....decisions, decisions.