Feeling Lost and Unable to Find My Way Home

I am 32 years old. I spent the first 15 years of my life in a small, rural Massachusetts town. Then, after my mother and stepfather divorced, we moved to a small town in rural Florida. We stayed there for a year and a half and then moved to a small, rural town in southern Georgia. In 1998, after five years, I moved back to that small town in Florida with my daughter who was two at the time. Years later, we moved from the rural towns to the bigger "cities" of Gainesville and Ocala and then eventually back to that small town when I got divorced. In 2006, we moved to Massachusetts but after a difficult time, I moved back to Florida in November of 2008. My daughter will be 14 in February and she has relocated seven times.

I have asked myself so many times what spurs me to pack our belongings and move and the answer is simply: I do not know where I belong.

I have never "put down roots" even when I owned a house with my second husband. I have never landed in one spot, city or town that truly felt like home.

I don't know if it is because I moved at a time when I had my life planned out - how the last years of high school would be, where I was going to college, who my roommate would be. Instead of those plans, I became the weird, awkward girl with no Southern accent surrounded by people who didn't know my story. I didn't fit and I have spent my life since then feeling like I didn't fit.

Sometimes I feel as if I don't fit even surrounded by people who love me and have known me my whole life.

I know there is a plan for my life but I can't help but wonder if feeling as if I don't fit and not having a home is part of that plan. To what end are these feelings? Then I remind myself that I don't need to know all the answers. Someone else, someone bigger and better than me, knows the answers and I just have to trust that He knows what he is doing.

In Florida, Moving On and Trying to Heal

My move to Florida is done. I am very glad that I don’t have to pack another box or drive another Uhaul for a while. It was long drive. Since I was the only one driving, we had to stop for the night. The first stop was in New Jersey (almost into Delaware), the second stop was in North Carolina and then we spent a night in Fernandina Beach, FL with Ryan’s mom. The next morning, Tuesday, we arrived at mom’s house in Florahome. We spent a few days unloading the truck and putting the essentials inside and the rest in storage. We registered Princess Ivi for school and did some running around regarding that.

Things got pretty bad shortly after we got here. Ryan did not help in any way. He didn’t drive, he didn’t stay awake, he didn’t help unload the truck. Nothing.

Then on Saturday, he caused a huge scene and jeopardized my mom’s job, her home and the only place Princess Ivi and I have to stay. He did this by putting his need for drugs above anything else.

I have been feeling for some time now that Ryan was a selfish person who puts his needs above his own. I also discovered several instances when he lied to me. He also lied to many people in general conversations. He also exhibits abusive behavior and then justifies it by saying he was just angry, or he was just hurt, or he didn’t mean it.

Due to his behavior on Saturday, he was told to leave my mother’s home (owned by her bosses and provided to her as part of her pay). I do know that he checked himself into rehab. But because of his continued treatment of Princess Ivi and I, I have made the difficult decision to end my relationship with him. I wish him well but I have to take care of Princess Ivi and myself.

So at this point, I am relying on my relationship with my family and friends, my knitting, and my faith to help me heal.