This has been the week from hell. Let me elaborate....
As you know, Princess Ivi is 13. She will be 14 in 12 days. She has been struggling with anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, all of it for a while now. It all really began this past summer. Before that, she was happy, social, sweet, never got in trouble, a good friend. Since she has been dealing with all these new emotions, she has become antisocial, mean, angry, rebellious, and gets into trouble. Things really came to a head this week.
Monday my daughter's principal called to tell me that Princess Ivi and her boyfriend had gotten into trouble within days of the last time for public displays of affection. (I believe that they were being excessive since they had this past weekend in front of me and I had to talk to them about it and they still continued to hang all over each other.) The principal had ordered them to have different lunches and that they weren't allowed to spend their free period together. I said that I would talk to Princess Ivi about then when I got home. Of course when I got home, I talked to her but her response, after saying they weren't doing anything, was to shrug her shoulders or stare off into space. As punishment for this referral to the office, she lost her phone and computer privileges for the rest of the week.
On Tuesday, I received call from the dean to tell me that Princess Ivi was suspended from school for three days because she disregarded the Principal's orders and had lunch and her free period with her boyfriend anyway.
When I got home from work, I woke Princess Ivi up (her plan was to avoid the talk by taking a nap). Again, I was met with a lot of shoulder shrugs. It ended up that all night long, she refused to speak to anyone. (I did tell her that she couldn't have a boyfriend because she wasn't mature enough to handle it.)
On Monday and Tuesday, both discussions centered around the fact that her behaviour would create a reputation that she wouldn't be able to get out from under and that she needed to participate more in our family. It also included that she needed to not take me for granted and only want anything to do with me or be nice to me only when she wanted something.
On Wednesday, after kissing her goodbye and making sure she took her medicine, I left for the day. I was taking half a day off of work so I figured by the time I got home at noon, I would have worked out the rest of her punishment for getting suspended.
I made it halfway to work before Princess Ivi's boyfriend's mom called to tell me that he had run away from home. I turned around and went home to talk to Princess Ivi. After getting home and searching her cell phone, I found numerous texts to friends that she was going to run away on MONDAY and meet the boy and they were going to run away together. I confronted her about all these and I have to admit that I probably didn't handle it very well because I was so scared. I know I yelled. Especially when her response was either a shoulder shrug or telling me that she "didn't know" why she said or did things.
There were also texts to her friends saying that she as going to kill herself so after talking to her psychiatrist, we agreed to take her into the mental health facility. She agreed to stay for a few days. I have a family meeting in 45 minutes and I am hoping they tell her she can go home soon.
We (doctors, therapists, me) believe that Destiny's core issue is that because of her father's abandonment of her 12 and a half years ago, she has issues. She has anger, sadness, no self-worth, etc. Because of this she has no coping methods that are healthy. The plan is to teach her those coping methods so she doesn't turn to doing anything to herself to cope.
For the past several weeks now, as Princess Ivi closed herself off from me more and more, I have had to deal with crazy emotions. The main one being guilt. Guilt that I made my daughter's life so difficult and made the wrong decisions for her. Sadness that she is feeling so out of control. Hurt that she was distancing herself from me. For a while, I let those emotions get control of me. I let them make me feel horrible about myself as a parent and as a person. I felt scared and alone and I was wishing that I had someone to lean on to help me through this difficult time.
Lying in my bed Wednesday night, knowing that Princess Ivi wasn't in her own bed, I started to feel guilty, lost, hopeless. But then I heard a voice in my heart say "I gave her to you to take care of and by protecting her, even from herself, you are doing the job I gave you."
Recognizing that to protect her from herself, I had to put her in the care of someone else was hard but knowing that she was safe and hopefully learning useful things to help her deal with this situation that exists made me feel hope for the first time in a long time. This situation exists. I can't make it disappear. All I can do is protect her as much as I can and help her to learn how to deal with how she feels in a healthy way.
And I can lean on my faith that she will be okay because there is a plan for her life. She was put on this earth for a purpose and she hasn't fulfilled it yet. I will continue praying that He lightens her heart, helps her through her pain and reminds her that she has a purpose to fulfill.
And I can remember that I am not alone in my love for her. Someone loves her even more than I do and as her parent, I am never alone in her raising her.
Showing posts with label 21 Day Challenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 21 Day Challenge. Show all posts
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Pressing On with Baby Steps
I read an interesting article today at Exemplify Magazine where the author talks about never planning on being a thirtysomething single woman and how she started studying Ezekiel and learned a valuable lesson to apply to her disheartened thinking on her singleness. Here is an excerpt:
"I never expected to be a thirtysomething single woman. Growing up I always thought I would meet and marry my husband by the time I graduated from college. My mom got married at 20. Most of my married friends got married in their twenties. As those last couple years before hitting the big 3-0 dwindled down I felt a tinge of desperation rising. Didn’t God know this desire of my heart? Wouldn’t He grant me the one constant prayer request I’d been petitioning Him with over the last decade? I fell into a numb acceptance of my marital state by the time that all important birthday hit in mid-May. I was a thirty year old single woman. The woman I never thought I’d be."
"Ezekiel is one of those books of the Bible I hadn’t really spent a lot of time studying. I knew it had a lot to do with prophecy and I had read portions of the book but this time I felt the urging to do a little background studying on the author himself, Ezekiel. I was surprised to find myself sympathizing with this prophet.
The first verse of chapter 1 of Ezekiel starts simply enough: “In the [a] thirtieth year, in the fourth month on the fifth day, while I was among the exiles by the Kebar River, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God.” Just that takeaway is amazing, right? Sitting there among his exiled people this ordinary guy starts seeing visions of God. That, of course, is huge. Monumental. Life-altering. But something else struck me as I read. That thirtieth year. According to some commentators that referenced Ezekiel as being thirty. Just like I was at the time. I read that Ezekiel would have become a priest had they not been taken into exile. According to my research priests entered into their service at age 30. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was what Ezekiel was pondering sitting beside his fellow kinsman in exile. I wondered if those “if only” and “I thought I’d be” kinds of thoughts crossed his mind. As a child he probably expected his life to have been different at age 30. But how like God to come to Ezekiel in that all important thirtieth year and reveal to him his true calling, the plan God had for him all along.
That revelation floored me. Surely Ezekiel was broken hearted over his priestly calling being thwarted, and because of such devastating circumstances as his, it must have been all the more depressing. Yet God in his infinite wisdom had called this would be priest to be a prophet to his exiled people. In that moment I realized the parallel with my fellow thirtysomething. God is infinitely in control. What I had expected for my life hadn’t turned about before turning 30. Neither had Ezekiel’s life plans. My plans were outside of my control, just as Ezekiel’s were. But there at the center of both of our lives was God, working out his plan for each of us. A better plan that would bring Him much glory. Ezekiel’s is recorded in the Bible. Mine is still being written. In this I can take hope. God knows what He is doing. His plans prevail beyond dashed expectations. Right now my calling is to be single though my heart longs for marriage. It’s a time to trust God and press on. I’m exactly where He’s called me to be. And so are you. "
After going through many failed relationships including three failed marriages, I long for someone to share my life with but my calling is to be single now. To find myself. To center myself. To devote the right amount of time to raising my daughter so she can fulfill His plans for her. I don't know but like this author says "its time to trust God and press on."
This subject falls perfectly in line with The Rest of Your Story that I am doing over at Heart to Heart with Holley. We are doing a 21 day Challege which you can check out here.
Yesterday's challenge: What's one little thing that helps you give God the red pen and make peace with who you are? My response: Remembering that He has a plan for me. It might not be my plan but His is the only one that really matters.
Today's challenge: What's a S.T.E.P in your story? (Small - The tinier the better. We tell ourselves we've got to do something amazing right now...ignore that voice. Tangible - We're not trying to walk on air. "I want to be happy!" isn't a step. Choose something with results. Easy - Yep, not only small but easy. If it can happen in five minutes or less, you get bonus points. Positive - The whole point is going forward. Now isn't the time for, "I'm going to stop...X" Focus on what you'll do instead. A S.T.E.P. might be making a phone call, getting a book, writing something down, exercising for two minutes, reconnecting with a friend, leaving a comment, anything that moves you forward.)
My response: Finally make a to-do list of all those things I have to do (those nagging thoughts that prevent me from sleeping and taking proper care of myself). I think doing this will help me realize what needs to get done so I can feel more centered, less scattered. Not to be amazing but to feel more at peace. There are so many things a single mom has to do that sometimes I just put it all off, procrastinate about it all until eventually it all blows up. Of course, I am not the type to truly put it all off since most nights as I lay down to sleep, my brain hops from one thing to another that I have to do. This way, if I list it all and start working on crossing items off of my list, I think I will feel more at ease with where we (as in my family) are right now.
Working on this list will help me to press on and enjoy THIS life that He has given me rather than waiting on the life I feel I should be living.
"I never expected to be a thirtysomething single woman. Growing up I always thought I would meet and marry my husband by the time I graduated from college. My mom got married at 20. Most of my married friends got married in their twenties. As those last couple years before hitting the big 3-0 dwindled down I felt a tinge of desperation rising. Didn’t God know this desire of my heart? Wouldn’t He grant me the one constant prayer request I’d been petitioning Him with over the last decade? I fell into a numb acceptance of my marital state by the time that all important birthday hit in mid-May. I was a thirty year old single woman. The woman I never thought I’d be."
"Ezekiel is one of those books of the Bible I hadn’t really spent a lot of time studying. I knew it had a lot to do with prophecy and I had read portions of the book but this time I felt the urging to do a little background studying on the author himself, Ezekiel. I was surprised to find myself sympathizing with this prophet.
The first verse of chapter 1 of Ezekiel starts simply enough: “In the [a] thirtieth year, in the fourth month on the fifth day, while I was among the exiles by the Kebar River, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God.” Just that takeaway is amazing, right? Sitting there among his exiled people this ordinary guy starts seeing visions of God. That, of course, is huge. Monumental. Life-altering. But something else struck me as I read. That thirtieth year. According to some commentators that referenced Ezekiel as being thirty. Just like I was at the time. I read that Ezekiel would have become a priest had they not been taken into exile. According to my research priests entered into their service at age 30. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was what Ezekiel was pondering sitting beside his fellow kinsman in exile. I wondered if those “if only” and “I thought I’d be” kinds of thoughts crossed his mind. As a child he probably expected his life to have been different at age 30. But how like God to come to Ezekiel in that all important thirtieth year and reveal to him his true calling, the plan God had for him all along.
That revelation floored me. Surely Ezekiel was broken hearted over his priestly calling being thwarted, and because of such devastating circumstances as his, it must have been all the more depressing. Yet God in his infinite wisdom had called this would be priest to be a prophet to his exiled people. In that moment I realized the parallel with my fellow thirtysomething. God is infinitely in control. What I had expected for my life hadn’t turned about before turning 30. Neither had Ezekiel’s life plans. My plans were outside of my control, just as Ezekiel’s were. But there at the center of both of our lives was God, working out his plan for each of us. A better plan that would bring Him much glory. Ezekiel’s is recorded in the Bible. Mine is still being written. In this I can take hope. God knows what He is doing. His plans prevail beyond dashed expectations. Right now my calling is to be single though my heart longs for marriage. It’s a time to trust God and press on. I’m exactly where He’s called me to be. And so are you. "
After going through many failed relationships including three failed marriages, I long for someone to share my life with but my calling is to be single now. To find myself. To center myself. To devote the right amount of time to raising my daughter so she can fulfill His plans for her. I don't know but like this author says "its time to trust God and press on."
This subject falls perfectly in line with The Rest of Your Story that I am doing over at Heart to Heart with Holley. We are doing a 21 day Challege which you can check out here.
Yesterday's challenge: What's one little thing that helps you give God the red pen and make peace with who you are? My response: Remembering that He has a plan for me. It might not be my plan but His is the only one that really matters.
Today's challenge: What's a S.T.E.P in your story? (Small - The tinier the better. We tell ourselves we've got to do something amazing right now...ignore that voice. Tangible - We're not trying to walk on air. "I want to be happy!" isn't a step. Choose something with results. Easy - Yep, not only small but easy. If it can happen in five minutes or less, you get bonus points. Positive - The whole point is going forward. Now isn't the time for, "I'm going to stop...X" Focus on what you'll do instead. A S.T.E.P. might be making a phone call, getting a book, writing something down, exercising for two minutes, reconnecting with a friend, leaving a comment, anything that moves you forward.)
My response: Finally make a to-do list of all those things I have to do (those nagging thoughts that prevent me from sleeping and taking proper care of myself). I think doing this will help me realize what needs to get done so I can feel more centered, less scattered. Not to be amazing but to feel more at peace. There are so many things a single mom has to do that sometimes I just put it all off, procrastinate about it all until eventually it all blows up. Of course, I am not the type to truly put it all off since most nights as I lay down to sleep, my brain hops from one thing to another that I have to do. This way, if I list it all and start working on crossing items off of my list, I think I will feel more at ease with where we (as in my family) are right now.
Working on this list will help me to press on and enjoy THIS life that He has given me rather than waiting on the life I feel I should be living.
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