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Friday, August 31, 2007

Song Dedicated to My Daughter

Every time I hear this song. I always think of my daughter and say a little prayer for her.

My Wish By Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Online Dating Disaster

So I was recently conned into the whole eharmony site. During an especially lonely moment, I set up a profile and took their “test”.

Within days, I had over 60 “matches”. However, after reading just a few profiles, I realized there was no way I could date through this site. The questions they ask you when filling out the profile aren’t geared toward fishing out the bad apples of the bunch. I think I should submit questions to these sites so. My questions would be:

· Are you a serial cheater?
· How do honestly feel about accepting your match’s child from a previous relationship?
· If you were to become a step-parent would you be comfortable being just a friend to your step-children and not a “parent” or a “disciplinarian”?
· Are you just looking for someone to clean your house, cook for you, and do your laundry?
· Do you have any sanity issues that we should be aware of?
· How do you get along with your mother? (if they respond that their mother is the most important person in their lives, it wouldn’t be a good sign)

I actually met my second ex-husband online. Yup, I said second. He was someone I should have asked the above questions. I probably would have learned a lot about him early on and saved myself and my daughter a lot of heartache.

No honestly, it wasn’t quite that bad. He didn’t cheat, he seemed able to accept my daughter and compromise on his position in her life, he did his own laundry and he even did the dishes, he seemed pretty sane until he got back from Iraq, but the mother issue was always there.

He deployed to Iraq for a year with his Army Reserve unit and when he came back, he couldn’t deal with our life, the house, my daughter, his job, and he started drinking a lot. My poor baby turned herself into someone else just to try to win his approval. It became pretty apparent that he was never going to give it to her. I had to ask myself if it was worth it. Was being with him worth what our marriage was doing to my daughter? The answer was pretty clear to me. Of course, it wasn’t worth it. So we said goodbye and started over again on our own.

I met my first husband when I was 17 so of course, there were really no important questions asked. It wasn’t until we were married with a three month old that reality intruded and I started kicking myself for not asking more questions. But to borrow a quote from my friend from college I was “young and dumb and looking for a place to land”.

I can honestly say now that I think I used my first husband more than he used me. I used him for a way to get out of my mother’s house. Having unprotected sex means that at some point you are going to get pregnant. I can say now that I didn’t think it would happen to me but secretly I wanted it to happen because it would force the issue and I would be able to leave with no guilt. (He used me for many, many things that I won’t get into now.)

So anyway, I sort of rambled off the subject here…what was I talking about?

Oh right, online dating. So it took me about three days and the weekend before I realized that this was a bad idea. After my last experience with online dating, what could I have been thinking?

My only defense was that I was conned by the commercials. You know the ones I mean. The ones with the happy couples talking all about how they met online and they felt so safe and secure with the process and then they met and knew they were right for each other, blah, blah, blah. Those commercials and the sappy romance books that I love to read are not a good combination at this point in my life. I have been divorced for 2 and 1/2 years. I haven’t had a conversation with a man who I was involved with since November of 2004. (Yes, we lived with each other for three months and didn’t speak.) So of course, I was feeling lonely and blue and thought for half a second that online was the way to go.

But honestly, I don’t feel safe with the process. In fact, I feel more scared of meeting some strange psycho online than being set up on a blind date or something. I plan on calling this weekend to cancel my membership and get a refund. No more online dating for me.

I don't really feel like I need to date. I feel pretty whole being a single-mom. It isn't like I am looking for my soul mate. I do have to admit though that having someone to lean on and talk to would be nice. Companionship. That is what is missing.

You know what, I am actually embarrassed to admit this, but I am not sure I even remember how to date?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

First Post

Well, this is my first post here. I have wanted to do this for a while now but wasn't sure it was such a good idea. I have now decided that it is.

So my daughter (who is thinking of her own cyber alias to use here) started 6th grade yesterday. Yikes. Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday she was still a baby.

Anyway, she is pleased with her teacher. There are 10 girls and 11 boys in her class. She is pleased with her specials (art, music, tech ed, computers, and health). The only things she is not pleased with is her locker (it wouldn't open - same thing happened last year) and the fact that she doesn't have a lot of friends (like last year).

So today at lunch, I spent some time looking for pen pals for kids her age and I am going to get her some. That way she will at least have someone to talk to her own age.

On the needles right now are:

-Nothing special sweater for my nephew

-Striped scarf for daughter with Jiffy

Plus those never-to-be-finished projects that I have been "working" on for years like:

-Striped blanket for daughter which by the time I am finished will not even come close to covering her.

-Prayer shawl (started almost 5 years ago when my sister had a miscarriage - she now has a 2 1/2 year old son)

-Baby blanket blocks which need to be seamed

-An assortment of scarfs.